How to Say "YES" When You Mean "NO"

By Dianne Ruth, CCH, PhD

I remember a time when I really needed help with a project. I asked a friend to give me a hand. She coldly retorted, "Sorry but I can't. I have other plans."

When she said that, my emotions spiraled right down into my toes. I felt defeated, hurt and rejected. Obviously, I was not important or special enough for her to change or postpone her plans so she could help me out of an urgent situation.

Think of a memory when you sought assistance from someone and they flatly refused, telling you "no" while using, what felt like some lame excuse. It didn't feel good; it felt bad, didn't it?

We are often told by experts that we have to learn how to say "no" to people who want too much from us.

Usually we give in and agree to do something for someone simply because we really are a nice person, and don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. As a result, we become overloaded and overwhelmed with stress.

What's the answer? Say "yes" and place a condition on your response. Here are some examples. Your child wants to go play video games with a neighbor.

Instead of responding, "No way. Your room is a mess and needs to be cleaned up," which causes your child to feel hurt and angry. Answer instead, "Yes, you can go, as soon as you clean up your room."

A demanding co-worker orders you to go down the street and get him a large latte. You reply, "I would be happy to, as soon as I get this stack of work done for my boss."

An acquaintance wants to borrow your car to impress a date. You tell him, "Sure, as soon as I get it tuned up and my tires replaced."

Suggest to the requesting person that you meet over coffee and talk about other options besides depending on you to help get their needs met.

Maybe they do know someone else who could help them out, or there is an agency they could appeal to, or by changing their approach or timing, they could manage just fine without any help!